Tomorrow is here… And you’re gone. I really don’t know how a lifetime without you is going to work.

So the past couple of days have been hard.

I broke up with Fernando a month ago. He started talking to me and wanted to meet up Saturday night. So I did. We talked. We fought a little. He told me he loved me. I was afraid to say it back because I don’t want to hurt him. Sunday we watched the solar eclipse together. Where he asked me to be his friend. And I said I couldn’t do it. And he cried and thought this was the last time we’d see each other. Monday morning he told me he was going to kill himself. I said he was being stupid and needed to get help because I wouldn’t be able to give him the love and support he needed. Tuesday/ Wednesday morning….. Fernando Manuel Perez took his own life.

Now I am writing this for several reasons.

One. I miss him. A lot. I should have grabbed him Sunday night and let him know that I am not giving up on him. I just kept quiet. Worst mistake. If he knew that I was there I feel like he would’ve stayed. I told him we’d talk when I was ready. But I was mean. I didn’t mean to hurt him. Now, I’m not blaming myself for his death. I just know that I could have helped prevent this.

Two. He was very, very hurt. He went through years of pain. And in the two years we were together; I tried to help him through it. But it gets hard to help someone else when you can’t help yourself. So I know that he is in a better place.

Three. Hold onto the ones you love. Tight. Never let go unless you really need to. I know I let go because I needed to. But I wish I would’ve told him everything in the end. Because I feel like I have something missing. I feel like there is so much left unsaid.

Life is short. We all want to just disappear some days. But this whole experience, as hard as it is to lose someone I love like this. I’m coming around. I am noticing how fast things can go. Life is so so fragile. Hearts are so fragile. You don’t want to hurt people. We are all lovers.

I’m sorry Fernando for not being there for you like you were for me when I attempted my second suicide. But believe me you are home. You are in my heart forever. You changed me my love. And I am forever in debt to you. I will make sure to live my life because you didn’t get to.

Rest in peace; Fernando Manuel Perez.
03/01/1992-05/23/2012

Good bye sun

Waiting for the eclipse.

(Source: illuminatikisses)

(Source: andwhenitrains)

My best friend and i